“Everything in the Universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” (Rumi)
I want to share the story of the last person/involvement I had manifested, having walked away from it recently due to the fact that once again, neither the person or the relationship were entirely what I wanted.
The story began in January and ended earlier this week. It happened with a man I’d met briefly in the past but never connected with until running into him only three days after asking the Universe to meet someone different and therefore likable (to me – a difficult task to accomplish). My intention with this person was to have a highly enjoyable involvement, without expecting it to last forever or even be a long-lasting affair.
Post encounter, I knew exactly what to do. I initiated everything and simply wanted to enjoy it. We connected exactly the way I wished for us to, our conversation lasting endless hours (the first week, we clocked in over twenty four hours of conversation). I was fascinated but also wished to be even more fascinated. I knew from the beginning that he could be enough for me if I decided so but he most likely wasn’t. He lacked several important qualities I’ve always wanted in a dream man but I wished to accept him unconditionally. I decided to ignore my inner voice, at least for the time being, and see what would happen, as miracles tend to occur when we only focus on the positive. I thought that I could feel he was enough for me if I truly focused on it. I sometimes thought he could easily become my dream if I focused on it. I wanted to be open to this option, as our involvement held much potential in the beginning. However, as one of my best friends told me post breakup, we can’t change every single feeling we have.
I ignored my core values, which would soon catch up with me.
Things ran (relatively) smoothly for a while. We never demanded anything of each other but simply liked each other and enjoyed our connection, which was undeniably special and continued to deepen. I applied my creativity into our encounters – we once recreated a scene from what became our movie for one of our dates. Even this particular movie, describing a special connection turned into an unfit relationship of a conflicted man whose woman rendered him insufficient, was an indicator to me of what I felt about our relationship. Everything around me reflected how I felt about us deep down – it was pure LoA. However, I enjoyed talking to him. I enjoyed our incredible physical chemistry. I loved that he was fascinated with our conversations and that I actually liked learning about him. I loved our mutual interests. I loved how much I was discovering and accepting about myself. I loved getting to know him. I loved the absolute lack of pressure in every aspect of our involvement and I loved that I didn’t need him – I just liked him. I wanted us to be happy together.
Had I truly wanted this relationship to be absolutely everything, the first step would be changing my deepest convictions about it. However, part of me was curious to see where my current deep convictions would take us, knowing it would be an electric experience and allow me to break much of my personal resistance to love. I thought, “If I can accept him exactly for who he is, unconditionally, regardless of my knowing we would break up soon, I would become aware of my own strength and comfort on an entirely new level. Then, I would be even closer to getting what I want in life. I sometimes fear the breakup itself but maybe it won’t be as bad as I think. Maybe I’ll feel almost as light about it as I do about our relationship. But then again, maybe I’ll still decide we could stay together. I’m open to anything.”
My deepest conviction about the relationship was also reflected in what I told one of my closest friends after the breakup – “Even if everything had been perfect, I am sure we would have been together for only a year or two and then break up anyway. He’s not the one.”
As my enthusiasm was slowly dropping, my curiosity of seeing how things would unravel took over simply because it was making me feel better than trying to see us together long-term. It was making me feel happier and lighter. Then, we manifested new, amazing moments but I began to deem the whole thing insufficient. Soon, I began taking my space from us. During this time, my friends made me feel even more grateful for them than I already was – they supported my decision completely and then, immediately saw how happy I was once I unburdened myself. The breakup wasn’t as bad as I had feared indeed – it was honest and minimally sad. Two days later, I was back to being my happy self.
Both of us wanted for things to work at times while at others, we both found it easier to think that things would end. We have different goals and needs in life. He possesses many of the qualities I look for in a man but not all and more importantly, not some of the essential. He loves his comfort zone while I thrive on breaking out of mine. The world is my comfort zone. Magic is my comfort zone. Miracles are my comfort zone. Fearlessness is my comfort zone. Love is my comfort zone. He wants a calmer, more convenient life (and relationship) than I do. I want to be fascinated with the man I’m in a relationship with while at the same time, have unconditional mutual understanding. This man has to share specific character similarities with me – I realize that now. A part of him believed much of this was bad timing – a meaningless concept in my eyes. Our unique connection was reflected in the fact that we talked about all these things face to face; we have said everything I’ve shared here to each other. We agreed on everything as well as the idea that we both have the right to arrange our lives exactly as we wish. All of us must do whatever is necessary in order to be happy in life.
By enjoying him and never trying to change him, I did accept him unconditionally. By walking away when I did because I knew it was the right solution for the both of us, I accepted both of us unconditionally. By caring for both our happiness, I accepted both of us unconditionally. I’ve learned so much and became as relaxed as I wished to be about relationships – the biggest gift of all. And by admitting that I wish to live my dreams and nothing less, I love myself unconditionally. I want miracles, I want love, I want to be even more courageous, fearless, and heart-driven.
I want what I want. I want my dreams and they are coming to me. Recently, I wrote that I was ready to have love in my life and walking away from what wasn’t love proves that I was right. I want the love that I want and I know it’s coming into my life as we speak.
“What matters is how quickly you do what your soul directs.” (Rumi)