This is going to be quite a self-help-type blog post.
I’ve been thinking about obsession, manipulation and the need to attract attention (and, attraction) from the person one wants to manifest a relationship with rather than focusing on love. Sometimes, the need to be with someone and make a relationship happen with them can stand in the way of one’s ability to distinguish love from need which results in frustration over not achieving one’s goal of being with the person they desire. It can lead to one’s incessant questioning of themselves instead of self-belief.
Diving into relationships and knowing how to make the other person feel attached while I wasn’t was something I practised on a regular basis. I knew how to dazzle anyone I wanted to – that was me at my most immature. At one point, I was unsure where the manipulation ended and the love began even though my goal was always to reel someone in and simply run away after I was done with them.
That was me perceived by several exes I had broken up with.
The following is the truth.
I entered every relationship with the best intentions. I was loving and tolerant for as long as I was happy; I was loved up, mesmerized by the qualities of the man in question, including him in my life and ready to compromise when needed. I wanted to be mesmerized and I wanted for the other person to give as much as I did. They did for the most part but after they stopped (or, we both had), I knew it was because I wasn’t feeling it anymore. I knew what I had attracted. That lack of feelings was caused by our differences which had ultimately become a bigger deal to me than our love and that was when I would walk away. I just wanted to be happy as I always do but hadn’t found that special person to love entirely in any of those men. I wanted a man with qualities so amazing that I would focus on them and love him for them, his imperfections still included but nowhere near as strong as those qualities. I wanted someone special and none of those men were it. I would only stay with them for as long as I was happy.
Ultimately, isn’t that the goal? Finding the one that makes you happy and being happy with them? But when hurt feelings and a bruised ego get in the way, perceptions are ruled and fuelled by fears instead of conscious creation using positive feelings.
Have you noticed that many of your currently negative feelings rest in the current lack of attention you are experiencing from the person you want to manifest a relationship with?
How many times have you confused wanting to manifest love with a desire to actually manifest some temporary attention?
You know what I mean.
Attention is a quick fix. We’ve all thought it would help us and make us happier at one point or another; however, riding on a high from attention received ultimately leads to a temporary low after that attention is gone once again, even if just for a day. It’s an addiction. It isn’t love.
Love is permanent. When you focus on love instead of “how” someone should act to convince you they’re actually in love (a.k.a. shower you with the amount of attention you have imagined to be necessary), ideas and visualizations of a love-filled life come to you.
The exes who had called me all sorts of manipulative hadn’t focused on love at that point – they were obsessed with the amount of attention given and received which at that point was insufficient from both sides. However, I acknowledged there were always two sides to every problem, starting with my own – they acknowledged mainly my side of the problem, even when accepting their own, but according to them, it was somehow my responsibility to take care of both my feelings and their own damaged confidence.
I learned that I have no desire to build up someone’s confidence if they don’t want to do it for themselves to begin with. People make excuses for their insecurities all the time. If someone’s insecurities are getting the best of them and their actual qualities, it is not my job to remove those insecurities for them. Those who let their insecurities get in the way of their qualities just because they think that feelings should be expressed exactly as they think make for exhausting companions. These are the companions who want validation before or instead of love, and they want it to come from you instead of their inner peace.
Not to mention that the individuals who think about how things “should” go feel uncomfortable with the concept of a happy relationship and tend to find some strange comfort in unhappiness because that is what they are used to. It’s familiar to them. It’s easier. These are not bad or incompetent individuals, mind you. These are simply individuals who keep happy relationships from manifesting into their lives because they feel uncomfortable with them. They might feel undeserving of happiness or they might have just chosen a person who makes them feel uncomfortable but are not ready to admit it to themselves; either way, everyone who wants to be in a happy relationship must begin to feel entirely comfortable with the concept of having one.
There is a difference between lovingly imagining your relationship with the person you are crazy about and thinking about what they “should” be doing to show you how they feel; the former creates your desired reality while the latter causes frustration in your current (which is mainly the lack of the desired in the eye of the beholder).
If you are currently obsessed with a lack of attention received from the person you want to be with, focusing on your current reality or the attention is not love. You are not appreciating your life now, before your relationship manifests. You are also not appreciating your desired reality since you feel that you might not receive it. You are not appreciating yourself and everything you deserve.
Most importantly, you are not appreciating your current reality because you are not getting the attention, not love, you want as of this moment. You must begin to love yourself and give yourself the attention you deserve. Once you finally start to love yourself and realize that you don’t need someone else’s approval and attention to feel good, you will emit as much love as you feel and attract the people you want to you.
If some cleverly aimed attention weren’t enough to reel another person in, we wouldn’t be talking about it. How many times did you consider someone simply because they knew how to give attention, to make you interested? Well, interest is different than love and so are the types of attention that come with each concept.
Stop looking for current attention and temporary proof and focus on feeling love for yourself, your desired partner and your desired relationship instead. The right kind of attention will come from your free and undemanding feelings of love for another person; it will come when you start to love another for who they are and allow them to be themselves. Believe me.