Love or Attention – Which Do You Truly Want?

This is going to be quite a self-help-type blog post.

I’ve been thinking about obsession, manipulation and the need to attract attention (and, attraction) from the person one wants to manifest a relationship with rather than focusing on love. Sometimes, the need to be with someone and make a relationship happen with them can stand in the way of one’s ability to distinguish love from need which results in frustration over not achieving one’s goal of being with the person they desire. It can lead to one’s incessant questioning of themselves instead of self-belief.

Diving into relationships and knowing how to make the other person feel attached while I wasn’t was something I practised on a regular basis. I knew how to dazzle anyone I wanted to – that was me at my most immature. At one point, I was unsure where the manipulation ended and the love began even though my goal was always to reel someone in and simply run away after I was done with them.

That was me perceived by several exes I had broken up with.

The following is the truth.

I entered every relationship with the best intentions. I was loving and tolerant for as long as I was happy; I was loved up, mesmerized by the qualities of the man in question, including him in my life and ready to compromise when needed. I wanted to be mesmerized and I wanted for the other person to give as much as I did. They did for the most part but after they stopped (or, we both had), I knew it was because I wasn’t feeling it anymore. I knew what I had attracted. That lack of feelings was caused by our differences which had ultimately become a bigger deal to me than our love and that was when I would walk away. I just wanted to be happy as I always do but hadn’t found that special person to love entirely in any of those men. I wanted a man with qualities so amazing that I would focus on them and love him for them, his imperfections still included but nowhere near as strong as those qualities. I wanted someone special and none of those men were it. I would only stay with them for as long as I was happy.

Ultimately, isn’t that the goal? Finding the one that makes you happy and being happy with them? But when hurt feelings and a bruised ego get in the way, perceptions are ruled and fuelled by fears instead of conscious creation using positive feelings.

Have you noticed that many of your currently negative feelings rest in the current lack of attention you are experiencing from the person you want to manifest a relationship with?

How many times have you confused wanting to manifest love with a desire to actually manifest some temporary attention? 

You know what I mean.

Attention is a quick fix. We’ve all thought it would help us and make us happier at one point or another; however, riding on a high from attention received ultimately leads to a temporary low after that attention is gone once again, even if just for a day. It’s an addiction. It isn’t love.

Love is permanent. When you focus on love instead of “how” someone should act to convince you they’re actually in love (a.k.a. shower you with the amount of attention you have imagined to be necessary), ideas and visualizations of a love-filled life come to you.

The exes who had called me all sorts of manipulative hadn’t focused on love at that point – they were obsessed with the amount of attention given and received which at that point was insufficient from both sides. However, I acknowledged there were always two sides to every problem, starting with my own – they acknowledged mainly my side of the problem, even when accepting their own, but according to them, it was somehow my responsibility to take care of both my feelings and their own damaged confidence.

I learned that I have no desire to build up someone’s confidence if they don’t want to do it for themselves to begin with. People make excuses for their insecurities all the time. If someone’s insecurities are getting the best of them and their actual qualities, it is not my job to remove those insecurities for them. Those who let their insecurities get in the way of their qualities just because they think that feelings should be expressed exactly as they think make for exhausting companions. These are the companions who want validation before or instead of love, and they want it to come from you instead of their inner peace.

Not to mention that the individuals who think about how things “should” go feel uncomfortable with the concept of a happy relationship and tend to find some strange comfort in unhappiness because that is what they are used to. It’s familiar to them. It’s easier. These are not bad or incompetent individuals, mind you. These are simply individuals who keep happy relationships from manifesting into their lives because they feel uncomfortable with them. They might feel undeserving of happiness or they might have just chosen a person who makes them feel uncomfortable but are not ready to admit it to themselves; either way, everyone who wants to be in a happy relationship must begin to feel entirely comfortable with the concept of having one.

There is a difference between lovingly imagining your relationship with the person you are crazy about and thinking about what they “should” be doing to show you how they feel; the former creates your desired reality while the latter causes frustration in your current (which is mainly the lack of the desired in the eye of the beholder).

If you are currently obsessed with a lack of attention received from the person you want to be with, focusing on your current reality or the attention is not love. You are not appreciating your life now, before your relationship manifests. You are also not appreciating your desired reality since you feel that you might not receive it. You are not appreciating yourself and everything you deserve.

Most importantly, you are not appreciating your current reality because you are not getting the attention, not love, you want as of this moment. You must begin to love yourself and give yourself the attention you deserve. Once you finally start to love yourself and realize that you don’t need someone else’s approval and attention to feel good, you will emit as much love as you feel and attract the people you want to you. 

If some cleverly aimed attention weren’t enough to reel another person in, we wouldn’t be talking about it. How many times did you consider someone simply because they knew how to give attention, to make you interested? Well, interest is different than love and so are the types of attention that come with each concept.

Stop looking for current attention and temporary proof and focus on feeling love for yourself, your desired partner and your desired relationship instead. The right kind of attention will come from your free and undemanding feelings of love for another person; it will come when you start to love another for who they are and allow them to be themselves. Believe me.

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9 thoughts on “Love or Attention – Which Do You Truly Want?

  1. Hi Nina,

    Your post today really made me think deeply. I know that with my guy, I can be needy especially when it comes to validation and affection.

    I don’t think I see it as needing attention, but I would really like for us to to give and express love and care for each other. I think expressions of love (like the kind I share with my family) they grow love. We tell each other we love each other, check in on each other to make sure we are ok and safe, and love each other deeply. The only thing that is missing from my life is a romantic partner to love and give love to. I would really like to be in a relationship and share my life with someone.

    I know I shouldn’t need a guy to make me feel good, but I would like to hear from each other and express love. Is that so bad?

    -C

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    1. Hey!

      Just read your comment and I just want to say a few words to you. Everybody has the need to have a loving partner whom you can share everything with! Of course!

      But the thing is, this desire, a loving partner should NOT be the only thing that could make you really happy and fulfilled. That is your own task. You should be the one that makes you happy!

      Before you can really commit to loving someone you have to be in a position that you don’t necessarily need that love from another person. Why? Because you can only really get, and give love to someone if you give honest love to yourself. You must be the biggest fan of yourself. And no, it is not selfish or weird. It is just the way true happiness works. True happiness comes from within yourself. Not from another thing or person. They can just add to your happiness and should not be the core source of true happiness and love. You have to be that core source!! And you can!

      Feel free to ask me anything!

      Good luck and love,

      Dylan

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you Dylan,

        Thank you for the response, and I see what you’re saying. My question is more about the fact that a person naturally feels something absent if the person they love does not contact them. LOA says ignore current reality, but I think it’s a challenge for most because we feel sad.

        For example, in my case, I start to eventually feel better. But then I’ll see my guy, we have a great time, and then the expectation is that we’ll continue to build our relationship. I get sad because he disappears. Isn’t that natural feeling. What should I do when I have an expectation, and then it doesn’t happen?

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      2. Even if the current reality is something that makes most people sad and even if it is “natural” that negative words make people sad, self love removes all of that and allows you to not react to negative words or thoughts because when you have self love, you value YOUR opinion of yourself, not any negative ones, and in return, the person you want to be with starts to feel just as positively about you as you have started to feel about yourself. Others can only love you as much as you love yourself. You must lead by example.

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    2. Hi C,

      The problem is that you don’t give yourself that love and validation you want but trick yourself into thinking that you “need” it from him instead. You must start to love yourself, stop listening to others who tell you that you shouldn’t, stop perceiving the lack of this or that in your life and focus on everything you have instead 🙂 Unless you love YOU, you subconsciously cling to negative thoughts because you cannot imagine being happy. You stick to negative thoughts because they are comfortable and familiar – dare to feel good and expect good things instead!

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      1. Thank you Nina.

        I have a question regarding having an issue with yourself physically. I have a really bad scar that is visible on my calf. Its called a keloid, I’m not sure if you are aware of what they are, but they are scars that are raised and bumpy because the scar tissue does not stop growing. It always makes me feel “ugly” because people always look at it, even my family always comments on it everytime they see it, and they want to know if there isn’t anything I can do about it.

        It always makes me feel like I have to hide myself. Hide it with makeup, not wearing skirts, and of course it causes intimacy issues because no matter how much I take care of myself, its always there and won’t go away. When you’re intimate with someone, you can’t hide anymore.

        Can I use LOA to get rid of this scar? Don’t know if this is possible? I think this might be a hindrance to my self-love, although I know even if the scar would go away, I still need to work on this.

        Thank you,
        C

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      2. Hi C,
        It is possible because anything is possible but before you do anything else, don’t let yourself be upset about it anymore. It is there – accept it calmly and you will see, once your mind is still, that there is no reason why you wouldn’t be able to get rid of it. If you fight the current reality, it remains; if you stop being upset by it, it can change.
        Once you accept it calmly, you must decide that your own opinion of it, of knowing that you CAN get rid of it, is relevant. Everyone else’s reactions are irrelevant.
        Then, imagine yourself AFTER you have gotten rid of the scar, regardless of how that might have happened. Mentally place yourself, visualize yourself, in the future when your scar has been removed and you feel happy and confident. Ask the Universe to be fully rid of the scar and be sure that it’ll happen. Then, allow for the details to work themselves out, such as how you will get rid of the scar etc.. The solution will come if you remain open to it.
        You can visualize yourself free of your scar as much as you want. Feel what it’s like to be happy and feel confident about yourself! Accept the fact that even with it, you are beautiful, and know that you’ll get rid of it. Know that it’s a done deal!

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