At a girls’ get-together years ago, another guest told me she suspected that an ex had jinxed her upon break-up.
He’d said to her, “No one will ever love you like I do.”
She said to me, “When someone tells you that, they unfortunately end up being right. It’s so true. No one did.”
As you can imagine, it was her perception that influenced this attitude. Her words reflected the fear that came from his. She’d always worried that his prediction would come true as punishment for leaving him when he didn’t want to be left. And by believing his words of despair, she effectively set herself up for attracting this exact situation. He told her his life was over, and her guilt grew. She ended up feeling guilty for his life, and then for saving hers.
I’d always wondered if she attracted people who truly loved her less or did her fear get in the way of recognizing equally strong love from someone else. Furthermore, I wondered if her ex genuinely loved her since he was wishing for her misery post break-up. I remembered how confusing love can be when mixed with ego, and how unhappy it makes us to make any demands from those we care about.
If we need to make a demand, we feel like we’re lacking something to begin with. That’s why believing and letting it happen feels so much better in difficult situations.NG
When we wish for someone else to be unhappy, we have effectively manifested our own unhappiness already. If we were interested in being happy instead, we wouldn’t have wished for revenge on someone else because we would have been focused on regaining our own joy. Our hurt ego can overpower our positive thinking at times but it’s important to resolve this self sabotaging tendency. Both she and her ex needed advice on how to achieve that.
How do we focus on joy when we’re hurting? My first step is always thinking about what’s more important. Is my own happiness truly less important than getting even, thinking this will heal my ego? It won’t. Every time any person didn’t meet my expectations, I asked myself if focusing on them was truly what I should be investing my time in. Was focusing on them really more important or should I be prioritizing myself? The answer was always obvious.
Both the girl and her ex also needed to feel compassion for themselves. They both needed to regain their own sense of value instead of constantly feeling responsible for each other’s. If you think you’re responsible for someone else’s happiness, your sense of value has already diminished because you feel bullied instead of having chosen someone freely based on the positive feelings they give you. You don’t feel like you can be yourself that way – that’s why guilting never works.
Those negative feelings, if you engage in them, attract more negativity and dissatisfaction in your future relationships. This is how guilt manifests itself. You start to feel like you deserve no better.
And you know that you deserve much better.
I was also once told I wouldn’t be loved as much ever again. No matter how hard it might have been at times, I chose not to believe it. I told myself that even entertaining the thought would lead to its manifestation, effectively using my fear to manifest my goals instead.
Months after the get-together at which she told me the story, I heard this girl started a relationship with a man she’d always been in love with. Before that, she had gracefully accepted his life – whenever he was in a relationship with someone else, she was happily just being his friend. She dated other people herself. She was open and valued her friendships. Her lack of resistance to the current reality manifested her dream in the end. Today, I hope she discovered there’s always a possibility that one can be loved even more than the day before.